Background Info and Welcome 2014

Welcome To My Life.

Hi there, so this is my first post and believe me I've been going over and over in my head to what I should post, I finally came to a decision that I would just start it with a little background info on my life so far and how things have got to where they are. I'm going to try and keep this "biography" as short as possible as I don't want to bore you all and scare you all off when I haven't even started yet!

So I was born on the 19th June 1992. This is me:

Now to tell you where I'm at in life is pretty hard for me as there isn't really much for me to be proud of. I'm 21, a college dropout with minimal qualifications, never worked a days work in my life and battled with mental health issues for the past few years. It's been tough to say the least. When I was younger I'd imagined what my life would have been like by the time I'd hit my twenties and it's far from the reality. I always thought i'd leave school do my a-levels go to uni and then get a job in my chosen field.

So why didn't this happen?  I didn't realise it at the time but I actually suffer with anxiety disorder, I find change and fitting in very nerve wrecking and challenging. It's strange because once I'm settled I'm quite a confident person, out going with lots of friends and on the whole very sociable but on the other hand when things aren't going quite as I predicted I become very shy, anxious, withdrawn and want to hide from the world. I noticed this first at around the age of 13 when I moved schools, I couldn't settle in, I found it hard to make friends etc, and being at that awkward age where girls hormones are rife it was kind of ignored and blamed on the fact I was just being a unreasonable teenager, people didn't understand but eventually with help from the social and the school I finally fitted in and became "me" and ironically took up drama and enjoyed being under the spotlight.

I then noticed this feeling of anxiety and dread again when I started college. I chose to take up A-levels and after a couple of weeks, I once again felt alone, unsafe, and insecure. I couldn't cope with the work, everyone seemed to be making friends except me, I was getting panic attacks in the morning, I wasn't sleeping at night. I decided it wasn't right for me and with it being so early on I was able to switch courses. So I switched to doing a diploma in ICT, not because I had an interest in it, but simply because I knew people on that course, my brother being one of them and people I went to school with. I settled in very quickly and felt happy again and strangely found a new love for computing. I completed the course over the year and decided to take the higher level which was a 2 year course. Things seemed to go downhill, even though I knew people on the course and had friends who I was with, I started to feel anxious and have panic attacks again, I couldn't pinpoint a reason for them this time and over the weeks friends became distant and the relationship I was in broke off, so I started avoiding things more and more and went into a downward spiral, where eventually I was having panic attacks every morning just to get my bus to college and it became so draining, physically and emotionally that I dropped out, not the best choice I made but I made it nonetheless.

The next 3 years was pretty much a battle with myself trying to force myself to get out of bed, to leave the house and make it through the day. At one point I was so terrified of going outside that I was housebound, I wouldn't even answer the phone or door to anyone for about 6 months. I was on medication, seeing different therapists, it was a rollercoaster few years, from feeling able to try and get my life back on track to not even being able to get out of bed but nothing seemed to matter until now.

In April 2013 I started declining again, my family noticed a big switch in my mood and were worried for my safety, my mum made the choice of taking me to the doctors and when I told them I was feeling suicidal they got in touch with the crisis team who came and assessed me, I was then referred to a psychiatrist to rule out bipolar and other mental illnesses and he diagnosed me with depression and anxiety disorder and said I needed CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) as it was quite deep rooted. I then met a man called Dan (my CBT Therapist) and although I had had therapy before in 2010 which didn't seem to make any difference, this time round it did, maybe it was the person, the time, or me, I'm not quite sure but while seeing Dan, I was also seeing a lady called Chloe who is a health trainer, she was helping me with my diet and referred me onto Vikki a personal trainer through the nhs, and I started going to the gym, Maybe the fact I had all three of these people helping me and believing in me I started to believe in myself. I haven't felt this positive for over 4 years.

Early December Chloe (Health Trainer) discharged me as she thought i'd made enough progress to go it alone, 19th December, Dan (Therapist) discharged me as he thought too I'd made enough progress and on the 16th Jan I have my final meeting at the Gym to review my progress. I'm still going to continue going to the gym though as, I want to lose weight but most importantly exercise is good for the mind and it releases endorphins which make you feel happy.

Now it's 2014, and I don't know where this year will take me but I hope I continue at making my life a happier and healthier one.

I'm making this blog to track my moods, my diet, and my goals. Sometimes it's easier to do things together so if you have anything you wish to change or improve on then lets tackle them together!

Goals for 2014: 

1. Get a bus on my own (Haven't done that in 4 years)  I now can get on the bus on my own yay!
2. Start driving
3. Lose weight
4. Work on going to college or getting into work - I'm studying to be a veterinary nurse
5. Say YES to more things and not let opportunities slide.

What are your goals?