Life, Updates and Achievements.

Hey there, remember me? Nope I didn't think so. I haven't done a post in a very long time, and to those of you who love reading my posts and keep telling me to do more I apologise, I have been meaning to do one for some time now I just haven't got round to it. I'm lazy haha.

So what's been going on? well quite a lot actually, I didn't even realise just how far a long things had come until I read my first ever post which was January 2014, a whole year and a half away almost. Time goes so quickly now I'm older and maybe because I'm enjoying life more.

In that post I set myself goals to complete for the year, they were as follows:

Goals for 2014: 

1. Get a bus on my own (Haven't done that in 4 years) 
2. Start driving
3. Lose weight 
4. Work on going to college or getting into work
5. Say YES to more things and not let opportunities slide.

I'm actually quite surprised reading them, I mean the first goal I honestly thought there was no way in hell's chance I'd be able to get on a bus by myself again, but I did it! Not only did I accomplish that, I am now a regular bus user, I rarely get panicky or anxious getting the bus now and that's just crazy to me. Occasionally I get days where I struggle and don't feel like doing it but that's bound to happen, the difference is I don't give up, I try again another day.

I even go out on my own more, I don't mean crazy nights out, but to the shops, or appointments etc, I do it on my OWN. 

I got the train up to Lincoln on my own to meet my sister at uni once as well, (which I'm sure I will be doing again sometime soon).

I haven't started driving yet, but that's fine I have plans to start, It's just taking that first step right? I'm not sure when that will be, but It will be someday.

Losing weight, the bane of my life, *sigh*. I've lost a few pounds, nothing major, but I do eat so much better now, I use to be a huge coca-cola addict, I was drinking maybe 1L a day, and cutting that down was not easy, The headaches were awful, I was constantly tired and exhausted, I was so grumpy, It took a while, I'm still not coke free ( haha doesn't that sound dodgy) but I now drink fizzy drinks with sweeteners rather than sugar and I don't drink a whole lot of them neither, I've replaced them with, Smoothies/Juices, (Thanks nutribullet) and Water (Still and Flavoured). I've replaced all my carbs for wholemeal ones, I eat more protein, and I rarely snack now. I go on walks with my little dog, Charlie, and I do some workouts at home, I may not have lost a lot of weight but the main thing is I feel so much better in myself, mentally and physically.

I didn't go back to college as I decided it just wasn't for me, so I started a course online in veterinary nursing, which is what I've wanted to do for a while now, It's so interesting, I've almost finished and then I'll have my final test, Once I pass I'm going to ask around my local vets for voluntary work to gain practical experience, as of course the online course is only the theory side. 

Say YES to more, this has always been a difficult one, deep down I want to say Yes, I want to just not give a fuck and be happy and have fun, but sometimes the mind doesn't allow that. However I have made a bit more of an effort to not turn down opportunities, like when I get invited out I try my best to go and have fun, most of the time I do, sometimes not so much, Having a panic attack in the middle of whether spoons wasn't very nice, but everyone was so supportive and understanding. Took me a while to get back out there, but I did it, and I shall continue to do so. 

Overall I feel more positive, I try to not let negative people get in my way now, I just block them out, why should I have someone around me if they make me feel so bad, it's just not worth it. 

I still have a way to go, but i'm getting higher up on my little ladder :)

Let me know if you prefer these kind of life update posts, or do you like my beauty and random related ones more? 

I'll try not leave it so long before my next post. (No promises, I know what I'm like ha)

Read More

So, It's Been A While.......

The last couple of months have been......strange, I don't really know how else to describe it. So I'll explain what I've been up to since my last post.

Summer Arrived.

I've never really been a summer loving type of girl, The sun is suppose to make you happy and to motivate you but in all honesty it doesn't have that effect on me. I hate the summer, mainly because it means stripping down into shorts and vests and well we all know I don't have the perfect body and I really admire those who do have the confidence to wear what they want and not care, but me, I hate showing skin, I'm much happier in a baggy jumper and thick leggings, I just feel more comfortable and it's not even because I'm worried about what people think, I couldn't care less, it's me, even in my own home I refuse to wear shorts or a vest (unless I have a cardigan over the top) I feel bare and humiliated by myself. I also hate summer because of the heat, now of course my clothing choices don't help but I'm one of those rare people who can't stand being hot and sweaty, I literally melt in the sun, after 5 minutes I'm looking for shade. I get headaches and feel sick, I literally can't think of anything worse than laying under the sun, hence why I'm so pale.....I can live with that though.

My 22nd Birthday.

So I turned 22, it was fun, I was spoilt as always and I did really enjoy myself.....but as each year goes by, it's another reminder of how little I've accomplished and the older I'm getting the harder and scarier it is becoming. 

Anxiety/Putting Things Off.

So for some reason, I've being putting everything off, even stupid little things like washing my hair....it's gross I know, but I've been supper sluggish and lazy, I feel so guilty about it and I know it's got to change. I've been putting off exercise which is why I probably feel lazy. I've been putting of my veterinary course, I've been putting off cleaning/tidying. I've been putting off going out anywhere. I pretty much just sleep and eat, it's really embarrassing for me to admit and the longer it keeps going on the harder things will become, so I'm going to make a conscious effort to sort this error in my life out.

Losing My Childhood Companion.

My beautiful Jasmine, she may have been an unusual dog, but if you got to know her like I did, she was special and she only allowed people she trusted and loved close to her heart and that wasn't many lol she was very protective. We lost her to cancer in the end, she was 13 years old and had a long happy life. It's hard not having her around, I was only 9 when we got her, shes been there through everything. Every house move, every argument and fallout and every celebration and laughter. I will dearly miss her and It will never feel the same without her.

Now for somethings a little more positive.

Charlie.

We decided to get another dog, my mum has always wanted a Caviler King Charles Spaniel, ever since she was a little girl. One night we happened to research into the breed a bit more, get a bit more information, price, temperament, health conditions, if they get on well with cats etc etc. It just so happened there was one little boy pup left about 8 miles down the road from us and it was the exact gender and colouring my mum wanted. We didn't want to get a puppy so soon, but after we thought about it, we kind of just felt as if it was meant to be, what are chances of the exact breed/gender and colouring to be so close to your home, and for it to be ready to be collected at that time. A lot of people would just say it's coincidence, but it felt a little like fate for us. Although we still miss Jasmine so very much, and it's still not the same without her. At least we have a little something to keep us occupied and positive while we get use to her not being around. 

Diet 

So I may not be exercising, but at least I've kept my diet on track. I still only eat brown rice/ brown pasta, veg/salad and chicken/fish 99% of the times. I've even been adventurous and tried Quinoa and Courgettes....didn't think i'd like them but, turns out I actually do. I've been making a conscious effort to drink more water as I'm pretty terrible at this. I tend to fill up on fizzy and high sugared drinks, which I'm slowing cutting back on.....it's hard ok! I've had a few off days, where I've binged on chocolate but I don't let myself go off the rail, I tell myself it's ok in moderation, you've got to treat yourself a little, but it's about knowing when to stop, trust me, if you knew me 3 years ago......I've improved so much. 

Veterinary Course

I may have been putting it off more than I should be, but I am making progress, I've passed  3 tests so far and currently studying lesson 4. I think because Lesson 2 was such a long, and hard lesson, it took me ages and I found it really difficult getting my head around it, but I eventually did and i'm breaking the lessons up into sections which is helping a lot, instead of trying to cram it all in to my brain in one go....it just doesn't work. 

I know where i'm going/gone wrong and at least me recognizing that is something, so I can take the steps to put it right. I keep reminding myself how far I've come in the last couple of years and how much improvement I've made and not to let it all go to waste. I guess we all have bad days....weeks even months, but noticing the reasons why and not letting them drag us down is the best we can do. Constantly reassuring yourself it's ok to be down but tomorrow is a new day and you need to pick yourself up and try again, just keep trying, no matter how many times you fall or fail, one day, you may eventually succeeded even if it's a little later than everyone else, you still did it, in your own unique way. 

Read More

Background Info and Welcome 2014

Welcome To My Life.

Hi there, so this is my first post and believe me I've been going over and over in my head to what I should post, I finally came to a decision that I would just start it with a little background info on my life so far and how things have got to where they are. I'm going to try and keep this "biography" as short as possible as I don't want to bore you all and scare you all off when I haven't even started yet!

So I was born on the 19th June 1992. This is me:

Now to tell you where I'm at in life is pretty hard for me as there isn't really much for me to be proud of. I'm 21, a college dropout with minimal qualifications, never worked a days work in my life and battled with mental health issues for the past few years. It's been tough to say the least. When I was younger I'd imagined what my life would have been like by the time I'd hit my twenties and it's far from the reality. I always thought i'd leave school do my a-levels go to uni and then get a job in my chosen field.

So why didn't this happen?  I didn't realise it at the time but I actually suffer with anxiety disorder, I find change and fitting in very nerve wrecking and challenging. It's strange because once I'm settled I'm quite a confident person, out going with lots of friends and on the whole very sociable but on the other hand when things aren't going quite as I predicted I become very shy, anxious, withdrawn and want to hide from the world. I noticed this first at around the age of 13 when I moved schools, I couldn't settle in, I found it hard to make friends etc, and being at that awkward age where girls hormones are rife it was kind of ignored and blamed on the fact I was just being a unreasonable teenager, people didn't understand but eventually with help from the social and the school I finally fitted in and became "me" and ironically took up drama and enjoyed being under the spotlight.

I then noticed this feeling of anxiety and dread again when I started college. I chose to take up A-levels and after a couple of weeks, I once again felt alone, unsafe, and insecure. I couldn't cope with the work, everyone seemed to be making friends except me, I was getting panic attacks in the morning, I wasn't sleeping at night. I decided it wasn't right for me and with it being so early on I was able to switch courses. So I switched to doing a diploma in ICT, not because I had an interest in it, but simply because I knew people on that course, my brother being one of them and people I went to school with. I settled in very quickly and felt happy again and strangely found a new love for computing. I completed the course over the year and decided to take the higher level which was a 2 year course. Things seemed to go downhill, even though I knew people on the course and had friends who I was with, I started to feel anxious and have panic attacks again, I couldn't pinpoint a reason for them this time and over the weeks friends became distant and the relationship I was in broke off, so I started avoiding things more and more and went into a downward spiral, where eventually I was having panic attacks every morning just to get my bus to college and it became so draining, physically and emotionally that I dropped out, not the best choice I made but I made it nonetheless.

The next 3 years was pretty much a battle with myself trying to force myself to get out of bed, to leave the house and make it through the day. At one point I was so terrified of going outside that I was housebound, I wouldn't even answer the phone or door to anyone for about 6 months. I was on medication, seeing different therapists, it was a rollercoaster few years, from feeling able to try and get my life back on track to not even being able to get out of bed but nothing seemed to matter until now.

In April 2013 I started declining again, my family noticed a big switch in my mood and were worried for my safety, my mum made the choice of taking me to the doctors and when I told them I was feeling suicidal they got in touch with the crisis team who came and assessed me, I was then referred to a psychiatrist to rule out bipolar and other mental illnesses and he diagnosed me with depression and anxiety disorder and said I needed CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) as it was quite deep rooted. I then met a man called Dan (my CBT Therapist) and although I had had therapy before in 2010 which didn't seem to make any difference, this time round it did, maybe it was the person, the time, or me, I'm not quite sure but while seeing Dan, I was also seeing a lady called Chloe who is a health trainer, she was helping me with my diet and referred me onto Vikki a personal trainer through the nhs, and I started going to the gym, Maybe the fact I had all three of these people helping me and believing in me I started to believe in myself. I haven't felt this positive for over 4 years.

Early December Chloe (Health Trainer) discharged me as she thought i'd made enough progress to go it alone, 19th December, Dan (Therapist) discharged me as he thought too I'd made enough progress and on the 16th Jan I have my final meeting at the Gym to review my progress. I'm still going to continue going to the gym though as, I want to lose weight but most importantly exercise is good for the mind and it releases endorphins which make you feel happy.

Now it's 2014, and I don't know where this year will take me but I hope I continue at making my life a happier and healthier one.

I'm making this blog to track my moods, my diet, and my goals. Sometimes it's easier to do things together so if you have anything you wish to change or improve on then lets tackle them together!

Goals for 2014: 

1. Get a bus on my own (Haven't done that in 4 years)  I now can get on the bus on my own yay!
2. Start driving
3. Lose weight
4. Work on going to college or getting into work - I'm studying to be a veterinary nurse
5. Say YES to more things and not let opportunities slide.

What are your goals?

Read More