What a year it's been...

So.... It's been a while, just over 2 years to be exact. I sort of lost touch with this blogging thing when life took over, but here I am, once again, writing another post.

Well to be honest I don't really know where to start, 2017 has been such an amazing year for me, probably the best of all, well at least for a very lonnnnng time. Towards the end of 2016 from October time I had a bit of a mental breakdown and felt as if my life was once again spiraling out of my control...most of you would be shocked to hear this as i'm very good at hiding these things but to close friends and family they will know what I mean...but that's a completely different story for maybe a different post ha.

Anyway back to the point of this record.

Let's start of with January...

Not going to lie I wasn't really in the mood for the whole new year thing, I felt stuck, lost and miserable, thinking "here we ago again another year to pass me by with nothing good to come of it"...I know so pessimistic!
....but little did I know this was to be the start of something amazing.
It all started when this guy, who just randomly added me on Facebook one night and I know what you're thinking oh god haven't we all heard this story before, but it's a little different, you see, this guy, I sort of knew him, he was the brother of one of my work colleagues and I had heard many a stories about him, not going to lie quite a few of them weren't so great ha and never in my wildest dreams would I have thought we would hit it off.

To begin with I was quite guarded, for obvious reasons, one being he didn't have the best reputation and the second being I didn't want to be the girl that everyone at work gossiped about because of our relationship. so we spent days and nights chatting, a lot of flirting on his part.... and I found myself starting to really like him, however there was still that wall up and after one arranged date (in which I cancelled on last minute haha) his brother (my work colleague) and my mum convinced me to just give it a shot, so that I did, a few days after I fell ill with a sickness bug so I had to cancel our second meeting which I was gutted about but he sent me a card, a bear and a chocolate rose and left it on my doorstep to cheer me up and we literally talked all night! He is the sweetest guy. I felt like a teenager again. I could feel myself falling for this guy and slowly but surely within a month or so after many late nights talking and seeing each other twice a week, we became a couple.

James and I

Since becoming a couple, James and I have been and done so many fun and wonderful things this year and we have started off our first year together with lots of lovely memories.
We spent a lot of the times going to the Hunstanton, maybe because after our first time there, we officially became an "item". I particularly remember one night, It was a bank holiday Monday, end of August about 5pm I had just finished work and he rang me up and literally said be ready in 10 minutes I'm taking you to hunstanton for the evening, I thought are you mad, the traffic will be crazy and by the time we get there it will be gone 6.30ish and everywhere will be closing, but he was adamant, he said we're going to see the sunset so I quickly got changed and off we went. It turned out to be the best evening, it was so beautiful and yes the traffic was mayhem but it was so worth it! I love how spontaneous James is, I'm such a planner, I have to organise everything in advance but James lives for the moment and I feel we balance each other out well, he is slowly making me realise that sometimes the best things in life are the ones that you just let happen and not try to control.

We also spent our first few days away this year, we stayed at this lovely hotel on the outskirts of Norwich and we spent a beautiful day in Cromer, and then a not so nice day (wind and rain) in Great Yarmouth  but we found a stylish pub and played some pool which was nice and the drive back to the hotel was an adventure trying to get through the flooded back roads in his little corsa. I think we rerouted the sat nav at least 3 times haha.

And not to mention all the cinema and dinner dates, it's been such a lovely year and I'm so happy I have found someone who gets me and takes me for how I am and my crazy little ways, he's a trooper for sure.

I can't wait to spend the next year with you James, I'm looking forward to seeing where it takes us!

February

You never guess what I did .....I finally started my driving lessons again, after 5 years of putting them off after such a horrible experience I took the plunge and reached out to someone who was recommended to me by my sister, the first few lessons I was soooo nervous and It probably took me a good few months to finally feel settled but even now just before a lesson I still feel slightly anxious, but once i'm in the car i'm fine :D and dare I say it....I actually am starting to enjoy driving. I passed my theory test on 15 November and can't wait to pass my practical and drive wherever I want whenever I want.

March

This month I found out I was going to become an auntie!!!! I wasn't completely shocked as I knew Abi and Lee had spoke about having kids and how badly they wanted them but I did think it was going to be a few months later on but needless to say I was over the moon and so excited, I just can't quite fathom how quickly her pregnancy went, and as always Abi was bewildering in how she managed it, she seemed to sail through it with ease considering she was doing 13 hours shifts back to back  in 30 degree heat on some days to make up her nursing hours towards her degree, she is literally my hero I've never met anyone so strong minded and determined in life as she is.

April

I won the grand national....I chose 3 horses and they came 1st, 2nd and 5th!!! A small win but nevertheless still a win and i think the first time I've ever won anything on the grand national!

May

Dubrovnik!!!! My dad and step mum treated me to a trip to Croatia - Dubrovnik for 5 days for my birthday present and it is the most beautiful place I have ever visited! It's the first place I've been to in which the currency was different to gbp or euros so that was an experience. It is probably my most favourite place I've been to even though it was verrrry expensive and crazy busy because of the cruise ships, I'm so glad I got the privilege of visiting such a wonderful country, Thank you Dad and Wendy, best birthday present ever!!

September

In September I got to see my darling sister graduate and it was such an honor to observe. She looked stunning in her gown and I cried like a baby when I first saw her in it. I was just so proud I can't even put into words how much so. The amount of work she has put into her degree has paid off and I always knew she was going to do well. Well done Abi, you're my shining star.

December

On the 5th Dec my gorgeous Nephew George was born and what a bundle of cuteness he is, I have never seen anything so perfect and I can't stop staring at him, he is adorable and Abi makes such a natural mother she is doing so well.




In December I also applied for a team leader position at the Holbeach store. Not going to lie I didn't think I had a chance of getting it, but I was amazed to find out that the manager there thought I was the strongest candidate and after meeting for an interview he phoned up my boss and told her I was just the sort of person he wanted and when can I start. I was overwhelmed. I'm so happy and excited, but part of me is really nervous and dubious, it's going to be a challenge and a big change, I'm coming out of my comfort zone and leaving such an amazing team of people who have grown not only to be my friends but almost like family. I know deep down I am ready for this move and I have grown in confidence so much in the last 2 years and things can only get better for me but of course it will take some adjusting, meeting new people and dealing with a new job role will be difficult but it's an exciting opportunity to face and see where it takes me.

So here's to the new year, a new job, the possibility of passing my driving test, a baby nephew and a gorgeous and supportive man by my side, what more could I want going into 2018.

I wish you all a happy new year and hope it's as good of a year as 2017 has been to me!

Love to you all,
Becky x

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Life, Updates and Achievements.

Hey there, remember me? Nope I didn't think so. I haven't done a post in a very long time, and to those of you who love reading my posts and keep telling me to do more I apologise, I have been meaning to do one for some time now I just haven't got round to it. I'm lazy haha.

So what's been going on? well quite a lot actually, I didn't even realise just how far a long things had come until I read my first ever post which was January 2014, a whole year and a half away almost. Time goes so quickly now I'm older and maybe because I'm enjoying life more.

In that post I set myself goals to complete for the year, they were as follows:

Goals for 2014: 

1. Get a bus on my own (Haven't done that in 4 years) 
2. Start driving
3. Lose weight 
4. Work on going to college or getting into work
5. Say YES to more things and not let opportunities slide.

I'm actually quite surprised reading them, I mean the first goal I honestly thought there was no way in hell's chance I'd be able to get on a bus by myself again, but I did it! Not only did I accomplish that, I am now a regular bus user, I rarely get panicky or anxious getting the bus now and that's just crazy to me. Occasionally I get days where I struggle and don't feel like doing it but that's bound to happen, the difference is I don't give up, I try again another day.

I even go out on my own more, I don't mean crazy nights out, but to the shops, or appointments etc, I do it on my OWN. 

I got the train up to Lincoln on my own to meet my sister at uni once as well, (which I'm sure I will be doing again sometime soon).

I haven't started driving yet, but that's fine I have plans to start, It's just taking that first step right? I'm not sure when that will be, but It will be someday.

Losing weight, the bane of my life, *sigh*. I've lost a few pounds, nothing major, but I do eat so much better now, I use to be a huge coca-cola addict, I was drinking maybe 1L a day, and cutting that down was not easy, The headaches were awful, I was constantly tired and exhausted, I was so grumpy, It took a while, I'm still not coke free ( haha doesn't that sound dodgy) but I now drink fizzy drinks with sweeteners rather than sugar and I don't drink a whole lot of them neither, I've replaced them with, Smoothies/Juices, (Thanks nutribullet) and Water (Still and Flavoured). I've replaced all my carbs for wholemeal ones, I eat more protein, and I rarely snack now. I go on walks with my little dog, Charlie, and I do some workouts at home, I may not have lost a lot of weight but the main thing is I feel so much better in myself, mentally and physically.

I didn't go back to college as I decided it just wasn't for me, so I started a course online in veterinary nursing, which is what I've wanted to do for a while now, It's so interesting, I've almost finished and then I'll have my final test, Once I pass I'm going to ask around my local vets for voluntary work to gain practical experience, as of course the online course is only the theory side. 

Say YES to more, this has always been a difficult one, deep down I want to say Yes, I want to just not give a fuck and be happy and have fun, but sometimes the mind doesn't allow that. However I have made a bit more of an effort to not turn down opportunities, like when I get invited out I try my best to go and have fun, most of the time I do, sometimes not so much, Having a panic attack in the middle of whether spoons wasn't very nice, but everyone was so supportive and understanding. Took me a while to get back out there, but I did it, and I shall continue to do so. 

Overall I feel more positive, I try to not let negative people get in my way now, I just block them out, why should I have someone around me if they make me feel so bad, it's just not worth it. 

I still have a way to go, but i'm getting higher up on my little ladder :)

Let me know if you prefer these kind of life update posts, or do you like my beauty and random related ones more? 

I'll try not leave it so long before my next post. (No promises, I know what I'm like ha)

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A New Me?

This will probably be a fairly long blog post as I have so much to update you on. I've debated to make each subject into separate posts but I think that will take too long, so instead I'm doing one huge mass post....I hope you don't mind.

Recently my life seems to have flipped around and things have been going good for me, really good. I almost don't want to write this post as I'm scared I might be jinxing it, but I'm really happy and I want to share that.
I've always believed in fate and things will come to you when you least expect it or when the "time" is right and maybe it's my time now. (At last).

So as most of you know, I've been doing pretty well at managing my anxiety, I still have the odd blips here and there but the difference being I get back up and start again instead of letting it rule my life and decisions. It's hard to know when my luck seemed to change, a lot as happened at once.

29th March - Family Get Together.

I rarely get to see my Dad's side of the family, so it's always nice when we meet up. I always find myself getting nervous because I want to impress them, I want them to know I'm doing well, and it's hard to feel proud when you're not really doing anything at the time. So I always try to avoid conversations about "me" and what I'm up to as I never really know what to say. The difference this time was I was open and honest, I've always been ashamed to have a mental illness and I try to hide it. I had a lovely chat with my Grandad about what I want to do and where I want to be in life, we talked about his past and his family and he reassured me that I can do what I want, if I want it bad enough. I also spoke to my Aunt about how I find it hard to socialise and I don't have very high self confidence/self esteem and a part from her being a little shocked as she's always known me as a confident girl, she was very open and didn't judge me, she made me feel comfortable and It made me realise if you can be honest with anyone, it's your family because they will love you for you and that's all that matters. I was proud that I was a bit more open. It was lovely to see everyone. 

Job Hunting.

I was helping my step-dad look for jobs online, and while looking I came across a few I thought were perfect for me. Normally I would completely freak out and not even contemplate applying for them, So many things would go through my mind. "I'm not good enough" "I'm too overweight" "They won't like me" "How will I get there" "I can't get the bus, people will laugh" "It's not suitable" "It's going to make my anxiety worse" "You won't be able to even attend the interview without looking stupid" etc. This time instead of allowing myself to criticise before I'd even done anything, I just took the pressure off, I thought "There is no harm in applying, you probably won't even get an interview but if you do and you don't feel comfortable about going, then that's fine, at least you've made progress in even applying, If you do get an interview and manage to go (which is fine if you don't go) and you get the Job, if you don't want to do it or you don't feel ready for it, that is also fine." I broke it down, into 3 steps, the first being just applying for it and wait to see if even step 2 comes along; an interview. Before hand I was acting as if applying for it was saying I'm accepting the job which is silly because in most cases you don't even get an interview. 

The other thing that put me off applying is the fact I have no experience and only GCSE's, no one is going to even look twice at my CV, especially because I've been out of education and work for over 4 years. So I made the decision of putting a little bit about my mental illness on my covering letter just explaining why I haven't been active in the last few years and how I'd happily answer any questions or doubts they had, I would also be willing to work for them voluntarily to prove I am the right person for job. I know this is a huge risk, but I thought what have I got to lose, at least I'm showing I'm honest instead of them thinking I'm just lazy and haven't bothered. 

Veterinary Nursing.  

I've wanted to do an animal based course for about 4 years now, I've applied to college twice, once in 2011 and again in 2013. In 2011 I couldn't even attend the induction without having a full blown panic attack after just receiving the letter so I cancelled my application. I made progress in 2013 as I did go to the induction, I thought it was a one on one, it ended up being a whole group of us which freaked me out but in way it was good because once I got there I couldn't back out, If I knew it was a group meeting I probably wouldn't of even attended. It was a great day, I got on with the other students and the lectures were very friendly and super understanding of my anxiety, it made me feel motivated and I was convinced by September I would be going back to college. The problem was I was now classed as an adult, I wasn't eligible to use the designated college buses as they were for 16-19 years, I had to make my own way there. Which meant trying to pass my test in a couple of months when I had only started driving, or getting 3 buses. This freaked me out big time as I still hadn't manage to get the bus on my own but I thought I would be able to overcome that. I was wrong, and inevitably went down hill and shut off from the world making my anxiety worse....I've learnt not to do that now. 

My Aunt came across an online Veterinary Assistant course on Groupon a few weeks ago, at first when my Nan told me about it, I was very withdrawn, I didn't know much about the course and I couldn't get my head around how you would learn to do something fairly practical online. I had a look into the course and it sounded perfect, it was pretty much everything I've wanted to learn enabling me to work with animals. My lovely Nan said she would pay for it knowing how long I've had my heart set on a course like this, I was dubious, it was a lot of money even with the discount and I didn't want her to fork out the money if It wasn't something I was set on. I had a think about it and realised I was once again trying to talk myself out of a great opportunity, I can do this course in my own time and from the comfort of my own home, what was there to be unsure about? I eventually realised I would regret not taking the course while it was a decent price, maybe it was just meant to be? I start the course in May/June, which I'm looking forward too. 

Isle Of Wight.

Over Easter weekend I went to the Isle of Wight with my Dad, Brother, Step-Mum and Step Brother. I haven't been there since I was about 6 or 7 and I have so many childhood memories from there. I've wanted to go back for a while now, so was super excited. We had a wonderful time, I pushed myself into situations I wasn't 100% comfortable with ,which I normally wouldn't do. While everyone was on the amusements I would walk further away until I couldn't see them, I would go to the toilet by myself, I wasn't so afraid about being on my own, I knew they weren't miles away. It was a fantastic weekend and boosted my confidence.

Job Interview.

I got a phone call from a woman a few days ago who said she had read my covering letter about my mental illness and she wanted to explain a bit about what the job was before she offered me an interview, I can't believe how understanding and helpful this lady was, she was so supportive and wanted what was best for me as well as for her, after a brief chat on the phone she has arranged for us to meet this Wednesday; to see if she believes I'm suited for the job and for me to know a bit more about what I'll be doing, so I know if I'll feel comfortable with it. We shall see where this takes me. 

Shopping and Partying with Abi.

I had to get some interview clothes as I want to make a good impression. Abi also wanted to celebrate getting a new job, we decided to to go to Peterborough and have a girly shopping day. This was a test for me as.....I LOST Abi, she had my bag with my phone and purse in, I was looking at some t-shirts I turned around and she had disappeared. I spent about 15 minutes looking around the whole shop trying to find her, there was no sign, I could feel myself starting to panic, I calmed myself down and took myself to customer services (which normally I would of felt too stupid to do) and they gave an announcement, she eventually made her way back and we had a giggle over it as we actually realised we had passed each other 3 times......darn us for being small! I was proud of myself, I didn't care if people at the customer services thought I was stupid, I was worried, it was a big store and I could feel myself panicking, I'd rather people think I was silly or over sensitive than have a major panic attack in front of some strangers. 

We then decided to go out for a few drinks as she rarely gets a Friday or Saturday night off. We thought it would be a quiet night just the two of us but it was pretty adventurous, I rarely go out because I don't do well with loud drunk people, I'm normally too shy and too insecure, worried about what they think of me. I actually had a lot of fun, I never get chatted up but I was approached by 3 guys, and I was pretty funny if I do say so myself,  it was strange though because most of you have seen my sister, she is stunning she gets male attention a lot! Like flies to poop! It has boosted my confidence considering how low my self esteem is. I now sound vain hahah my bad. Overall we had a fantastic night, I couldn't do it on a regular basis but I'm going to make more of an effort to go out a bit more.

There you have it, a little bit about what I've been up to, hopefully things will continue to go on the up. Thanks for reading.

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My Christmas Goodies

Christmas is my favourite time of year, I get so excited when November comes that by the time it's December 25th  i've exhausted myself out. I really don't like January and February though, I find them very dull and depressing, so what better to do than go through some of my christmas goodies to put a smile back on my face and re live that christmassy feeling. I've been truly spoilt this year as I am every other year and I'm very thankful to family and friends for these lovely gifts but most importantly for their love and kindness.

Blank Canvas Contour Palette- I've heard great things about this and wanted to try it out for a while now and yes it is amazing!

Benefit Porefessional - I bought this with my Christmas money, It was a tad pricey but I found it cute that you got the "It's Potent Eye Cream" and "That Gal Face Brightener" with it for free and well I'm a sucker for freebies.

I'm not much of a reader, but I do like facts and non fiction books. Partly why I got my nickname nerdoboo.

P.S Science year by year is super interesting.

Real Techniques starter and core sets - I never realised how much of a difference putting on make up with quality brushes would make, but wow my skin looks flawless.

Remington Pearl Wand - Bought this for new years eve as I wanted to try out tighter curls, it heats up super fast and curls your hair in seconds!

Glamoriser Hair Dryer - This is a beauty it has actual sparkles in it which make me love it even more, it has 5 hear settings and 5 power settings, it makes my hair super soft and shiny.

Me and My sister are a huge fans of the movies and she knew how much I wanted to go to the studios that she paid for us to go on the 1st feb, I'm so excited, I will most likely do a blog post on our visit.

I'm a self confessed lush-o-holic, yes thats right I have enough lush products to last me the winter yay! For everyone who knows me, knows I love my baths and for every bath you have to add that little bit of lush :)

I can't get over how many pandora charms/clips I got this year. I got my bracelet for my 21st and it's filling up sooner than expected haha. My favourites is the snowflake clip, it's beautiful.

Soap and Glory do a lovely skin care range, If you're like me and have acne prone/oily skin then their scrub your nose in it scrub is amazing for you, it's one the best. I also got the "Dr Spot Gel" and "The Fab Pore Moisturiser"

A bunch of Yankee Tarts - Another love of mine is candles, especially ones that smell nice, I prefer yankee's tarts because they give out a longer and stronger smell than the candles but I also love the candles just as much.

An assortment of bath bits, I always get little gift sets of miniature bath/skin lotions and potions, It's lovely to try out new products and they're also perfect for traveling. I think the soap and glory hand lotion will probably be going in my hand bag.

So that is a few of the things I got for Christmas, I told you I had been spoilt. I also got some Christmassy PJ's that I will continue to wear throughout of winter even though christmas is over. I hope you all had a lovely time with family and friends and let's hope 2014 is a good year for us all.

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Background Info and Welcome 2014

Welcome To My Life.

Hi there, so this is my first post and believe me I've been going over and over in my head to what I should post, I finally came to a decision that I would just start it with a little background info on my life so far and how things have got to where they are. I'm going to try and keep this "biography" as short as possible as I don't want to bore you all and scare you all off when I haven't even started yet!

So I was born on the 19th June 1992. This is me:

Now to tell you where I'm at in life is pretty hard for me as there isn't really much for me to be proud of. I'm 21, a college dropout with minimal qualifications, never worked a days work in my life and battled with mental health issues for the past few years. It's been tough to say the least. When I was younger I'd imagined what my life would have been like by the time I'd hit my twenties and it's far from the reality. I always thought i'd leave school do my a-levels go to uni and then get a job in my chosen field.

So why didn't this happen?  I didn't realise it at the time but I actually suffer with anxiety disorder, I find change and fitting in very nerve wrecking and challenging. It's strange because once I'm settled I'm quite a confident person, out going with lots of friends and on the whole very sociable but on the other hand when things aren't going quite as I predicted I become very shy, anxious, withdrawn and want to hide from the world. I noticed this first at around the age of 13 when I moved schools, I couldn't settle in, I found it hard to make friends etc, and being at that awkward age where girls hormones are rife it was kind of ignored and blamed on the fact I was just being a unreasonable teenager, people didn't understand but eventually with help from the social and the school I finally fitted in and became "me" and ironically took up drama and enjoyed being under the spotlight.

I then noticed this feeling of anxiety and dread again when I started college. I chose to take up A-levels and after a couple of weeks, I once again felt alone, unsafe, and insecure. I couldn't cope with the work, everyone seemed to be making friends except me, I was getting panic attacks in the morning, I wasn't sleeping at night. I decided it wasn't right for me and with it being so early on I was able to switch courses. So I switched to doing a diploma in ICT, not because I had an interest in it, but simply because I knew people on that course, my brother being one of them and people I went to school with. I settled in very quickly and felt happy again and strangely found a new love for computing. I completed the course over the year and decided to take the higher level which was a 2 year course. Things seemed to go downhill, even though I knew people on the course and had friends who I was with, I started to feel anxious and have panic attacks again, I couldn't pinpoint a reason for them this time and over the weeks friends became distant and the relationship I was in broke off, so I started avoiding things more and more and went into a downward spiral, where eventually I was having panic attacks every morning just to get my bus to college and it became so draining, physically and emotionally that I dropped out, not the best choice I made but I made it nonetheless.

The next 3 years was pretty much a battle with myself trying to force myself to get out of bed, to leave the house and make it through the day. At one point I was so terrified of going outside that I was housebound, I wouldn't even answer the phone or door to anyone for about 6 months. I was on medication, seeing different therapists, it was a rollercoaster few years, from feeling able to try and get my life back on track to not even being able to get out of bed but nothing seemed to matter until now.

In April 2013 I started declining again, my family noticed a big switch in my mood and were worried for my safety, my mum made the choice of taking me to the doctors and when I told them I was feeling suicidal they got in touch with the crisis team who came and assessed me, I was then referred to a psychiatrist to rule out bipolar and other mental illnesses and he diagnosed me with depression and anxiety disorder and said I needed CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) as it was quite deep rooted. I then met a man called Dan (my CBT Therapist) and although I had had therapy before in 2010 which didn't seem to make any difference, this time round it did, maybe it was the person, the time, or me, I'm not quite sure but while seeing Dan, I was also seeing a lady called Chloe who is a health trainer, she was helping me with my diet and referred me onto Vikki a personal trainer through the nhs, and I started going to the gym, Maybe the fact I had all three of these people helping me and believing in me I started to believe in myself. I haven't felt this positive for over 4 years.

Early December Chloe (Health Trainer) discharged me as she thought i'd made enough progress to go it alone, 19th December, Dan (Therapist) discharged me as he thought too I'd made enough progress and on the 16th Jan I have my final meeting at the Gym to review my progress. I'm still going to continue going to the gym though as, I want to lose weight but most importantly exercise is good for the mind and it releases endorphins which make you feel happy.

Now it's 2014, and I don't know where this year will take me but I hope I continue at making my life a happier and healthier one.

I'm making this blog to track my moods, my diet, and my goals. Sometimes it's easier to do things together so if you have anything you wish to change or improve on then lets tackle them together!

Goals for 2014: 

1. Get a bus on my own (Haven't done that in 4 years)  I now can get on the bus on my own yay!
2. Start driving
3. Lose weight
4. Work on going to college or getting into work - I'm studying to be a veterinary nurse
5. Say YES to more things and not let opportunities slide.

What are your goals?

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