So, It's Been A While.......

The last couple of months have been......strange, I don't really know how else to describe it. So I'll explain what I've been up to since my last post.

Summer Arrived.

I've never really been a summer loving type of girl, The sun is suppose to make you happy and to motivate you but in all honesty it doesn't have that effect on me. I hate the summer, mainly because it means stripping down into shorts and vests and well we all know I don't have the perfect body and I really admire those who do have the confidence to wear what they want and not care, but me, I hate showing skin, I'm much happier in a baggy jumper and thick leggings, I just feel more comfortable and it's not even because I'm worried about what people think, I couldn't care less, it's me, even in my own home I refuse to wear shorts or a vest (unless I have a cardigan over the top) I feel bare and humiliated by myself. I also hate summer because of the heat, now of course my clothing choices don't help but I'm one of those rare people who can't stand being hot and sweaty, I literally melt in the sun, after 5 minutes I'm looking for shade. I get headaches and feel sick, I literally can't think of anything worse than laying under the sun, hence why I'm so pale.....I can live with that though.

My 22nd Birthday.

So I turned 22, it was fun, I was spoilt as always and I did really enjoy myself.....but as each year goes by, it's another reminder of how little I've accomplished and the older I'm getting the harder and scarier it is becoming. 

Anxiety/Putting Things Off.

So for some reason, I've being putting everything off, even stupid little things like washing my hair....it's gross I know, but I've been supper sluggish and lazy, I feel so guilty about it and I know it's got to change. I've been putting off exercise which is why I probably feel lazy. I've been putting of my veterinary course, I've been putting off cleaning/tidying. I've been putting off going out anywhere. I pretty much just sleep and eat, it's really embarrassing for me to admit and the longer it keeps going on the harder things will become, so I'm going to make a conscious effort to sort this error in my life out.

Losing My Childhood Companion.

My beautiful Jasmine, she may have been an unusual dog, but if you got to know her like I did, she was special and she only allowed people she trusted and loved close to her heart and that wasn't many lol she was very protective. We lost her to cancer in the end, she was 13 years old and had a long happy life. It's hard not having her around, I was only 9 when we got her, shes been there through everything. Every house move, every argument and fallout and every celebration and laughter. I will dearly miss her and It will never feel the same without her.

Now for somethings a little more positive.

Charlie.

We decided to get another dog, my mum has always wanted a Caviler King Charles Spaniel, ever since she was a little girl. One night we happened to research into the breed a bit more, get a bit more information, price, temperament, health conditions, if they get on well with cats etc etc. It just so happened there was one little boy pup left about 8 miles down the road from us and it was the exact gender and colouring my mum wanted. We didn't want to get a puppy so soon, but after we thought about it, we kind of just felt as if it was meant to be, what are chances of the exact breed/gender and colouring to be so close to your home, and for it to be ready to be collected at that time. A lot of people would just say it's coincidence, but it felt a little like fate for us. Although we still miss Jasmine so very much, and it's still not the same without her. At least we have a little something to keep us occupied and positive while we get use to her not being around. 

Diet 

So I may not be exercising, but at least I've kept my diet on track. I still only eat brown rice/ brown pasta, veg/salad and chicken/fish 99% of the times. I've even been adventurous and tried Quinoa and Courgettes....didn't think i'd like them but, turns out I actually do. I've been making a conscious effort to drink more water as I'm pretty terrible at this. I tend to fill up on fizzy and high sugared drinks, which I'm slowing cutting back on.....it's hard ok! I've had a few off days, where I've binged on chocolate but I don't let myself go off the rail, I tell myself it's ok in moderation, you've got to treat yourself a little, but it's about knowing when to stop, trust me, if you knew me 3 years ago......I've improved so much. 

Veterinary Course

I may have been putting it off more than I should be, but I am making progress, I've passed  3 tests so far and currently studying lesson 4. I think because Lesson 2 was such a long, and hard lesson, it took me ages and I found it really difficult getting my head around it, but I eventually did and i'm breaking the lessons up into sections which is helping a lot, instead of trying to cram it all in to my brain in one go....it just doesn't work. 

I know where i'm going/gone wrong and at least me recognizing that is something, so I can take the steps to put it right. I keep reminding myself how far I've come in the last couple of years and how much improvement I've made and not to let it all go to waste. I guess we all have bad days....weeks even months, but noticing the reasons why and not letting them drag us down is the best we can do. Constantly reassuring yourself it's ok to be down but tomorrow is a new day and you need to pick yourself up and try again, just keep trying, no matter how many times you fall or fail, one day, you may eventually succeeded even if it's a little later than everyone else, you still did it, in your own unique way. 

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A New Me?

This will probably be a fairly long blog post as I have so much to update you on. I've debated to make each subject into separate posts but I think that will take too long, so instead I'm doing one huge mass post....I hope you don't mind.

Recently my life seems to have flipped around and things have been going good for me, really good. I almost don't want to write this post as I'm scared I might be jinxing it, but I'm really happy and I want to share that.
I've always believed in fate and things will come to you when you least expect it or when the "time" is right and maybe it's my time now. (At last).

So as most of you know, I've been doing pretty well at managing my anxiety, I still have the odd blips here and there but the difference being I get back up and start again instead of letting it rule my life and decisions. It's hard to know when my luck seemed to change, a lot as happened at once.

29th March - Family Get Together.

I rarely get to see my Dad's side of the family, so it's always nice when we meet up. I always find myself getting nervous because I want to impress them, I want them to know I'm doing well, and it's hard to feel proud when you're not really doing anything at the time. So I always try to avoid conversations about "me" and what I'm up to as I never really know what to say. The difference this time was I was open and honest, I've always been ashamed to have a mental illness and I try to hide it. I had a lovely chat with my Grandad about what I want to do and where I want to be in life, we talked about his past and his family and he reassured me that I can do what I want, if I want it bad enough. I also spoke to my Aunt about how I find it hard to socialise and I don't have very high self confidence/self esteem and a part from her being a little shocked as she's always known me as a confident girl, she was very open and didn't judge me, she made me feel comfortable and It made me realise if you can be honest with anyone, it's your family because they will love you for you and that's all that matters. I was proud that I was a bit more open. It was lovely to see everyone. 

Job Hunting.

I was helping my step-dad look for jobs online, and while looking I came across a few I thought were perfect for me. Normally I would completely freak out and not even contemplate applying for them, So many things would go through my mind. "I'm not good enough" "I'm too overweight" "They won't like me" "How will I get there" "I can't get the bus, people will laugh" "It's not suitable" "It's going to make my anxiety worse" "You won't be able to even attend the interview without looking stupid" etc. This time instead of allowing myself to criticise before I'd even done anything, I just took the pressure off, I thought "There is no harm in applying, you probably won't even get an interview but if you do and you don't feel comfortable about going, then that's fine, at least you've made progress in even applying, If you do get an interview and manage to go (which is fine if you don't go) and you get the Job, if you don't want to do it or you don't feel ready for it, that is also fine." I broke it down, into 3 steps, the first being just applying for it and wait to see if even step 2 comes along; an interview. Before hand I was acting as if applying for it was saying I'm accepting the job which is silly because in most cases you don't even get an interview. 

The other thing that put me off applying is the fact I have no experience and only GCSE's, no one is going to even look twice at my CV, especially because I've been out of education and work for over 4 years. So I made the decision of putting a little bit about my mental illness on my covering letter just explaining why I haven't been active in the last few years and how I'd happily answer any questions or doubts they had, I would also be willing to work for them voluntarily to prove I am the right person for job. I know this is a huge risk, but I thought what have I got to lose, at least I'm showing I'm honest instead of them thinking I'm just lazy and haven't bothered. 

Veterinary Nursing.  

I've wanted to do an animal based course for about 4 years now, I've applied to college twice, once in 2011 and again in 2013. In 2011 I couldn't even attend the induction without having a full blown panic attack after just receiving the letter so I cancelled my application. I made progress in 2013 as I did go to the induction, I thought it was a one on one, it ended up being a whole group of us which freaked me out but in way it was good because once I got there I couldn't back out, If I knew it was a group meeting I probably wouldn't of even attended. It was a great day, I got on with the other students and the lectures were very friendly and super understanding of my anxiety, it made me feel motivated and I was convinced by September I would be going back to college. The problem was I was now classed as an adult, I wasn't eligible to use the designated college buses as they were for 16-19 years, I had to make my own way there. Which meant trying to pass my test in a couple of months when I had only started driving, or getting 3 buses. This freaked me out big time as I still hadn't manage to get the bus on my own but I thought I would be able to overcome that. I was wrong, and inevitably went down hill and shut off from the world making my anxiety worse....I've learnt not to do that now. 

My Aunt came across an online Veterinary Assistant course on Groupon a few weeks ago, at first when my Nan told me about it, I was very withdrawn, I didn't know much about the course and I couldn't get my head around how you would learn to do something fairly practical online. I had a look into the course and it sounded perfect, it was pretty much everything I've wanted to learn enabling me to work with animals. My lovely Nan said she would pay for it knowing how long I've had my heart set on a course like this, I was dubious, it was a lot of money even with the discount and I didn't want her to fork out the money if It wasn't something I was set on. I had a think about it and realised I was once again trying to talk myself out of a great opportunity, I can do this course in my own time and from the comfort of my own home, what was there to be unsure about? I eventually realised I would regret not taking the course while it was a decent price, maybe it was just meant to be? I start the course in May/June, which I'm looking forward too. 

Isle Of Wight.

Over Easter weekend I went to the Isle of Wight with my Dad, Brother, Step-Mum and Step Brother. I haven't been there since I was about 6 or 7 and I have so many childhood memories from there. I've wanted to go back for a while now, so was super excited. We had a wonderful time, I pushed myself into situations I wasn't 100% comfortable with ,which I normally wouldn't do. While everyone was on the amusements I would walk further away until I couldn't see them, I would go to the toilet by myself, I wasn't so afraid about being on my own, I knew they weren't miles away. It was a fantastic weekend and boosted my confidence.

Job Interview.

I got a phone call from a woman a few days ago who said she had read my covering letter about my mental illness and she wanted to explain a bit about what the job was before she offered me an interview, I can't believe how understanding and helpful this lady was, she was so supportive and wanted what was best for me as well as for her, after a brief chat on the phone she has arranged for us to meet this Wednesday; to see if she believes I'm suited for the job and for me to know a bit more about what I'll be doing, so I know if I'll feel comfortable with it. We shall see where this takes me. 

Shopping and Partying with Abi.

I had to get some interview clothes as I want to make a good impression. Abi also wanted to celebrate getting a new job, we decided to to go to Peterborough and have a girly shopping day. This was a test for me as.....I LOST Abi, she had my bag with my phone and purse in, I was looking at some t-shirts I turned around and she had disappeared. I spent about 15 minutes looking around the whole shop trying to find her, there was no sign, I could feel myself starting to panic, I calmed myself down and took myself to customer services (which normally I would of felt too stupid to do) and they gave an announcement, she eventually made her way back and we had a giggle over it as we actually realised we had passed each other 3 times......darn us for being small! I was proud of myself, I didn't care if people at the customer services thought I was stupid, I was worried, it was a big store and I could feel myself panicking, I'd rather people think I was silly or over sensitive than have a major panic attack in front of some strangers. 

We then decided to go out for a few drinks as she rarely gets a Friday or Saturday night off. We thought it would be a quiet night just the two of us but it was pretty adventurous, I rarely go out because I don't do well with loud drunk people, I'm normally too shy and too insecure, worried about what they think of me. I actually had a lot of fun, I never get chatted up but I was approached by 3 guys, and I was pretty funny if I do say so myself,  it was strange though because most of you have seen my sister, she is stunning she gets male attention a lot! Like flies to poop! It has boosted my confidence considering how low my self esteem is. I now sound vain hahah my bad. Overall we had a fantastic night, I couldn't do it on a regular basis but I'm going to make more of an effort to go out a bit more.

There you have it, a little bit about what I've been up to, hopefully things will continue to go on the up. Thanks for reading.

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